When my oldest son finished his last coach-pitch baseball season more than eight years ago, he announced one night at dinner that he wanted to be a pitcher.
I didn’t think much about it.
Charlie was an average player with a less-than-average drive. I figured the desire would pass.
It didn’t.
The next season when he started playing “regular baseball,” he took the mound for the first time. Honestly, I can’t remember how he did, but I remember how I felt. It’s the same way I have felt every time he steps on the mound. I am stressed. I am worried. I am anxious.
I don’t want him to fail. Yes, failure helps us grow, but failing on the pitcher’s mound is a very public failure. The fate of the team rides on the pitcher’s shoulders.
I know that my feelings are over-the-top, but my description is the God’s honest truth. Anyone who has ever sat next to me during a game while he is pitching can attest to it. Sometimes, I can’t even stay in the stands. I pace. I look away. I ask the universe to give him strength and courage.
I am ashamed to admit, there are even times when I would rather just not go to his games.
It’s harsh, but it’s true. And it’s not because he’s a horrible pitcher.
Like most pitchers.
Sometimes he’s good. Sometimes he struggles.
Regardless of how he does, I struggle.
This week, though, I tried to be different.
On Thursday, I saw a post from a high school friend, Monica, who lost her son a year ago. He was a pitcher, too.
The post was a photo of her teen son getting ready to throw his pitch — leg pulled up and eyes set on the catcher’s glove. Maybe his team won that game. Maybe they didn’t.
It didn’t matter. What mattered was that moment.
My friend wrote: “What I wouldn’t give to watch him pitch in another game. I read somewhere you shouldn’t focus on how the game went, but always tell your kids you love to watch them play.”
Even as I write this, I can’t hold back the tears. I never met my friend’s son. I never will. I can’t imagine the pain she’s been going through for the last year. Losing a child is my biggest fear — and she lives it every day.
Her words pretty much slapped me in the face. Instead of finding the joy in watching my son play baseball, I found the anxiety and craziness. I had lost that feeling of gratefulness.
So I tried to take those words with me this weekend. I tried to sit in the moment and be grateful — in the moments of success, in the moments of failure. Be grateful.
Was I perfect? Hell, no.
In fact, my friend Wendy, a fellow parent, had to remind me more than once to stay present and let the worry go. It wasn’t easy — Charlie took the mound in the final inning when the game was tied.
As I watched my kid struggle on the mound, I tried to focus on how lucky I am to watch him to do something that he loves.
After the game Charlie left the huddle with his head hung low and tears welling in his eyes. He took long strides to distance himself from his teammates. He didn’t want them to see his face. As he walked towards me, he quietly said, “I wanted to do better.”
“I know you did,” I said. “You gave your best. It was tough – a hard ump to please. You’ll get it next time.”
Maybe he will. Maybe he won’t. But that’s not really the point, is it?
For Charlie, there will be a next time.
Those “next times” won’t be there forever. Charlie is 16, and I doubt he will play ball after high school.
My time sitting in the stands will soon come to end, and it’s frustrating to think I’ve wasted so much time on fear and worry.
Pitching is a choice Charlie has made. He wants to be on the mound. For some crazy reason, he likes trying to battle out of an 3-0 count. And even though he’s struggled more this year than last — he’s not giving up. He wants to do better, and he still loves the game.
That’s what I will try to remember each and every time he takes the field.
Baseball is his choice. It’s his joy.
And he is mine.